While re-writing my early journals, I came across this entry:
May 25, 1987: Work, FTW group. Big Dave secretary. A girl named Debbie chaired. She was really good being that she only has 6 months in. It was supposed to be an anniversary but the guy who was celebrating didn’t show up. I think that is pretty fucking ignorant but to tell the truth, I felt really good at this meeting. Debbie talked for a while and then she threw it out. The topic was ‘God’s Will’. Wayne talked first and he hit on some things. Then Jamie talked. He said that last week, he fell off a building 30’ and landed on his head. He didn’t get hurt. He said at first he was numb and thought that he was paralyzed, but then he was alright. He talked about God’s Will. Now that I sit here and write these things, it makes me really think. I don’t know about what, but whatever is happening, is really good. Especially about what Debbie said. She said she was at Leakin Park, at the chapel there, with Dave, talking about herbs (They use to have a yearly herb festival there). It started to rain so they went inside. When she sat down, somebody told her not to sit in that pew because it was broken, so she sat at the altar. That quick, somebody sat down where she was at and the chapel was hit by lightning. The guy who sat where she had been, was struck. Dave put the fire out on the guy with his hands, then people tried to revive him. My mom said she read in the paper that he died. Talk about God’s Will. Well. I’m going to pray now and then go to bed.
God’s will is a funny thing and at 22 years clean, I still don’t know what His will for me is. I guess that is OK, because if I knew, there would be no reason to have faith. I could just go through life believing everything I do is God’s will and it doesn’t matter.
I read somewhere a description of God’s will – “Everything that I have no control over, is God’s will. Everything that I do have control over, is my will.
I know what I believe isn’t God’s will for me - to shoot dope any more, to rob and cheat, to be angry and hate and those sort of things that keep me sick. That’s my will and it will kill me.
